When You Can Walk On Water

We have so many doubts. For women, when we are being courted by men, we tend to doubt them. We ask, “Are he for real?”, “Will he stay and love me for the rest of his life just as he promised?”, “Will this feeling last?” And for men who are courting women, they sometimes ask themselves, “Is this girl really for me?”, or “I’ve been courting her for 8 months now, aren’t she going to answer now?”.

May it be positive or not, let’s admit it, we always have questions in our heads, and by looking closely to those questions, we’ll realize that they are what we call “doubts”.

I have the same feeling, basically most of the times. When I applied in a call center company, my first thought was, “I don’t think I can do this. I don’t even like to talk, how will I be a call center agent?”, when I passed the interview, the next thought I have was, “My teammates are (for sure) better than me, they’re a lot older and experienced, am I going to last here?”. The next thing I knew, I was one of the top performer in that account. Yet, I didn’t stayed there for long, I resigned because of… again, doubts.

I lost too many things because of doubting so much, I don’t know why I can’t seem to control this part of me. I have so many dreams, wishes, prayers that are actually too close to reality, but are hindered by asking too many questions, doubting people, and most of all doubting God. There even comes a time when I doubted his love for me.

But the bible says, “let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind” (James 1:6), and this made me realized how lost I am, and how terrible my life is. Doubtful people were compared to a wave of the sea – being driven and tossed by the wind. Like a wave, we aim for something, we want to go farther each time we get the chance to move, each time we realize that the wind is quiet. But we doubt, we doubt our capabilities, we doubt our skills, our talents, and the power that God had given us, we doubt God, and doubts are like wind, we thought it was gone, but the truth is it will never be, and we let that wind drive us back to where we started. We end up losing the battle.

Like the story of Simon Peter. He was so amazed when he saw Jesus Christ walked on water (in the bible it says that the disciples were terrified and cried out in fear). It seems too impossible for them to imitate Jesus’s actions, but He told them, “come”, and Simon came and walked toward Jesus, but when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, began to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”. Then Jesus asked, “You of little faith, why did you doubt?”. (Story from Matthew 14:26-30)

Simon was afraid of the wind. Simon doubted.

Imagine how many miracles we could have done if we don’t doubted God and His words? Imagine what our lives would have been if we don’t let doubts stop us from pushing through?

Minimizing our doubts could make a change, not just to our own lives, but also to the life of many people. There’s really nothing wrong with holding back, but holding back because of unhealthy doubts, that’s another serious matter.

Now, what will you do if you were given the chance to walk on water?

I Learned That…

Two days from now I’ll be 22, and I feel so old. Lately, I’m having hard time carrying too many loads unlike before when I’m a lot younger and stronger. Lately, I’ve been experiencing back pains, and headaches. Sometimes, it feels like my bones are crumbling, and some parts are colliding, and just might break soon.

Scientifically speaking, 22 is actually still young, it’s still near teenage years, more likely the boundary of youth and adulthood.

Music change me a lot.

Entering the line of 2’s is actually my favourite part of my life. It was year 2011 when I became 20. It’s when I learned and experienced so many things. Things that revealed my weaknesses and things that enhanced my strengths.

It’s when I learned how it feels to be valued by someone – what love feels like. I see the beauty of the world, things are clearer than they’ve ever been before. It’s when I learned how to cry without being ashamed of it; it’s when I learned how to shed tears.

It’s when I learned the feeling of being accepted and rejected, the feeling of being loved and left, feeling of being happy and depress. I learned to move to the rhythm of old love songs, learned how to stop when the music is not for me. I learned how to capture moments and let them go when they wanted to leave.

A person that is very dear to my heart.

It’s when I learned about the beauty of living, and the feeling of a dying man. It’s when I saw both peace and hopelessness, both joy and bitterness. I make myself eat like there’s no tomorrow, and let myself starve for days like I don’t desire for tomorrow anymore. I learned that life is not just about taking but also about giving. I learned that sleeping requires dreaming, and dreaming requires waking up.

It’s when I learned the value of friendship, the importance of family. I learned the essence of studying, and listening to your professors. I learned the reason why I should wait, and why I should go, or why I should stop. I learned that my life is worthless without happiness, but even more worthless without pains. I learned how to write and crumpled paper, to speak and to listen. I learned why I couldn’t just have everything.

After a tiring day.

It’s when I learned how it feels to win, and to be defeated, to be found, and to be lost, to be you and to be like others. It’s when I learned to trust, and be betrayed, to believe, and be disappointed, to understand and be misunderstood. I learned that life’s like riding in a Ferris wheel, it goes up, and it goes down. I learned how to be responsible, and to be reckless, how to stand and fall, how to manage and be managed. I learned how to take things for granted, and be taken for granted.

College friends. I miss them already.

It’s when I learned that friends wouldn’t always stay on your side, sometimes they will go in front of you, sometimes they’ll stay at your back, but sometimes leave you. I learned that beauty should not be only available by looking at it, but also by being with it. I learned that growing old is not about aging, but about learning. I learned that papers are nothing without pens, and pens are little less important without papers.

Writing has always been my hobby.

I learned that my life shouldn’t revolve around the sun alone, neither does the sun should revolve around me. I learned to be selfless, and to be possessive. I learned to accept things the way they are, and demand for more. I learned that I have unending problems, but I always have unending solutions to all of it. I learned that smiling shows more of me, but crying defines more of me. I learned how to dance in the rain, and to pray for sun to come out.

Enough reason for me to worship God.

It’s when I learned that my life is not perfect, but I should be contented about it. I learned that life is not just about being happy or sad, but also about being in the middle. I learned that everyday should pass, and everything inside every day has to happen. I learned that having this life is enough for me to thank God.

These are many reasons why I feel so old. Happy birthday to me!

Obviously, I own every photo in this article. I claim all the rights in this article.

Reincarnation and Déjà vu

I have a friend who’s not a buddhist, but she tends to believe in reincarnation. I respect her for her belief, but of course it doesn’t mean that I do believe her.

But, just a thought. If reincarnation is true, am I already a reincarnated version of human flesh? So what am I before? I’d like to think that I’m an animal before, maybe a wild animal, but before I died I have accepted Jesus Christ in my heart (as my Lord and savior), ok, I’m sorry, it’s kinda weird to put Christ in this kind of discussion. Anyway, so maybe I’m a wild animal who did nothing but destroy the forest, and eat my fellow animals, but before I died, I was enlightened and so I was reincarnated as human.

I’d like to think that specific pattern, than to think that I’m a saint before, and then I did something wrong, and was reincarnated as an ordinary human with so many sins.

If I will die today, and be reincarnated afterwards, I wish I’d be someone better than I am now, maybe a lot taller (just a bit taller than I am now), and a lot wiser. I wish I’d be a lot better, a lot kind, and a lot understanding. Coz’ if that happens, I could finally say that I’ve been good enough to be granted by a better reincarnated identity.

What do you think you would be if you will be reincarnated?

Moving from a different angle, I suddenly thought of another phenomenon which we called Déjà vu (phenomenon of having the strong sensation that an event or experience currently being experienced has been experienced in the past, whether it has actually happened or not). Honestly, sometimes I have a wild feeling that what’s happening to me during that time had already happened before, or when I go to a place that I believe is very new to me, but there’s a slight feeling or belief that I’ve been there for many times.

And so, I tend to correlate reincarnation with déjà vu. Maybe because we’re reincarnated, we find some things familiar to us. Maybe you’ve been there during your first life, or maybe you’ve met that person already, maybe you were friends before.

I entitled my blog as “My Thoughts”, meaning these are just random thoughts from my full-of-crazy-stuff mind, and it doesn’t explain or showcase my belief as a Christian, as a daughter, as a friend, as a lover (soon), and as a person.

The Dangers of Being So In Love

When you truly love a person, letting go would be “usually” the last thing that you would ever do. As long as you could fight for that person, as long as you could survive every pain that comes along with loving so much, you will do it. You’ll fight for love.

This article was inspired by my friend’s love story way back then.

It’s been almost a year since my girlfriend (or should I say, ex-girlfriend) broke up with me, and I’m still lost. I really am still lost, confused, and part of me still want some things to be back the way it used to be. I

I know deep down that I do love that person. Love so much that I will do anything to make her happy, I will save money just to bring her to a wonderful place, to give her nice gifts, to let her eat great tasting foods. I will wake up early in the morning to bring her breakfast, help her clean their house, or carry her bag to school.

I have done so many things to her, and I know I have made her happy. But it was too late when I realized that love is more than just efforts and physical attractions, its more than just spending money, or waking up early in the morning, its more than just material things, and spoken words.

I lost her when I found myself falling even more in love with her. Ironic isn’t it? That’s when I learned about the dangers of being so in love:

1. You get easily jealous. When I see her with other guys, or even with other girls, I get jealous. We end up fussing about things that doesn’t really matter. I tend to bring back past issues, and make it more complicated.

2. You became possessive. I believe there’s nothing wrong with being possessive. Sometime having a girlfriend/ boyfriend is like owning something, he/ she becomes your possession, but too much of it make things even harder.

3. You forget about yourself. Sometimes loving so much could make you forget about yourself, you tend to give everything you have, without leaving something for yourself.

4. You lose the value of your relationship. Being in a relationship requires fair love. It has to be give and take. Though in reality, the other one would always be a greater lover than the other, yet it doesn’t matter, as long as you love each other, and let other give and take, everything will be just fine.

Letting go is one of the hardest task assigned to us.

Its hard to imagine that after being so in love for more than a year, you’ll end up hurting each other, and worst is you both gave up. You forget all the promises you have made when you’re just starting up. You lose everything, even friendship.

I know I should’ve been more patient, more understanding, more respectful, and more fair, but maybe things are just meant to happen, things have to be the way it is. Maybe love has to slip away, maybe love has to change, has to disappear, maybe love has to leave, so another one will enter. But no matter how hard it is, or how many pains love has to offer, or how unpredictable love is, I am just so glad that I once met her, and once in my life someone loved me more than anything else in this world, and once in my life I know that I have loved so much.

Loving could be one of the best thing that we could offer to someone, and being loved in return could be the greatest gift we could ever received. But we have to remember that loving so much has so many side effects. There’s nothing wrong with loving (in fact it is a good thing), but “too much” is always unhealthy.

Love requires friendship as foundation, love requires prayer as guidance, and understanding as your armor.